Saturday afternoon, early Autumn

it's fall break, and i'm down South in the palmetto state, a little exhausted from an entire day with my family but motivated to update my blog. the last few days back at HPU were oddly cold and shifty...here, even though it's the humid beach, you can feel the winter air moving slowly southward, turning a relatively mild summer into an unseasonably chilly fall. i can't wait to get back to campus and see all the fall foliage that we've been lacking all season.

even though today was my first full day spent with my loved ones in two months, i felt unusually distant. my mind kept wandering to thoughts of the past week, year, days ahead, responsibilities...and then it'd return to thinking about nothing - or better yet what wondrous thoughts must filter through the tiny brain of an average squirrel (e.g. "i'm a squirrel, i'm a squirrel..." ad nauseam).

the first thing i'd like to address is God. and how flipping amazing He is...and that's putting it so mildly but it's late and my brain can't possibly come up with anything more creative or magnanimous for the time being. but seriously, He is. God has been shaping my heart for the past 4 months and I'm a new woman every morning I wake up, it seems...it can be overwhelming trying to juggle all the things He wants to teach me along with my duties for school and all my organizations and friends and discipleship sometimes. Okay, i lied. it IS overwhelming. almost every day i struggle with being overwhelmed, but it isn't always bad. i feel uplifted by all He's done in my life, and through the good and less savory times He has taught me how to be more like Christ, how to be humbled and how to depend on Him moment by moment. it's a glorious learning experience. i just wish i could step away from my daily obligations and delight in all He's done in my heart just a little bit more.

so here's some thoughts. some will be lessons i've learned, others lessons i've yet to learn. some will be wrought with opinion, others less so. there might be a trace or two of wisdom that i've gained from others, but by no means expect to learn anything here. goodness that would require me to actually know something about...well...anything. ;)

one - this has been a truly unexpected year.
two - i am less responsible for the good things that have happened in my life than i realize.
three - i am more responsible for the bad things that have happened in my life than i realize.
four - sometimes i miss how carefree college was my freshmen year - even though i spent nearly all of my time studying. and i still do...where did the carefree go?
five - "always love, hate will get you every time." (Nada Surf, "Always Love")
six - i have never met one person who was happier because they held onto bitterness and unforgiveness. i have met many people, however, who are happier because they let bitterness go and forgave.
seven - i will never be able to repay the grace i have been given.
eight - joy can only come from contentment. contentment can only come from peace. and peace can only come from attempting to live with good regard toward those in your life. (Corinthians)

and seeing as it's 2 am already, i don't think i can write anymore and my bright moment of motivation to blog has passed...who knows, it might come back. hopefully before another month passes.

In Christ,
Alicia

Ooooh, heaven is a place on earth.

Sooo it's 10 on Sunday night, I have things I could be doing but I just don't feel like it. It's a bad place to be. I'd much rather post a blog about my year so far at High Point, talk to my friends online, put encouragement on my walls and listen to Chris Tomlin.

Things back at High Point have been really, really great. But they've also been stressful and full of struggles. But I'm learning to depend on God and let that stress and those struggles up to Him . . . and He absolves them. It's not always the easiest lesson to learn, but everyday brings me closer to Him as I purposefully seek Him. I've seen the fruits of this past summer become even more abundant here on campus . . . like my patience, which hasn't become a staple of my attitude yet, but when I pray for it and allow the Holy Spirit to fill me, I have it when I most need it. Things that I realized on Project have waned and I've forgotten them . . . but I've realized them again thanks to God's grace and persistance, and I love second realizations. It brings you back to the right frame of mind, the one that focuses on God's will, not ours. I am so thankful for His patience and His willingness to teach me things over and over again, even when I forget them or place them on the back burner . . .

I've been struggling a lot lately with materialism. It's so easy nowadays to treasure objects of ours (which are really His), obsess over them and depend on them for happiness. I've seen this in my life but especially in the lives of my friends and others. Even more so for me, I've been frustrated with what I do have, and I've been consumed by what I don't . . . but other times I'll be annoyed with the "stuff" in my room that I rarely ever use and feel compelled to chuck it out the window or smash it all. I mean, I can't be alone on this one! Seriously, so many times this week I've wanted to get rid of everything I own except for my computer and toothbrush, chop all my hair off and live in a makeshift tent out on the Greensward. I think humans were meant to live simply . . . otherwise we become spoiled too easily and begin grasping things that aren't eternal and lose hold of those fruits of the Spirit Paul writes about in Galatians.

By the way, tomorrow is my 20th birthday . . . in about twenty minutes I won't be a teenager any more, which is soooooo sweet, since I've pretty much been acting 20 since I was in high school. Aaaand it's gonna be a busy, busy day tomorrow . . . but an amazing one, depending on Him all the way!

". . . because the Spirit of the Lord is everywhere in this world. His Spirit holds it all together and hears every word."
- Wisdom of Solomon 1:7

DBSP '07

The greatest summer of my life is coming to a close. It has come with a flurry of feelings, some sad ones, some joyful ones, some regretful ones, but mostly excited ones. Summer Project ended this Tuesday, and I got home in the late afternoon, after flying about 5 hours into D.C. from Daytona Beach.

The last days of Project were weird. There wasn't much closure . . . all of a sudden, it was the night before people would be boarding their planes for home, and we were saying our farewells to people hours before they were actually leaving, everyone at different times on Tuesday. Which meant some awkward second goodbyes in the morning . Which made it all the more sad to be leaving, and the more I hugged people goodbye, the third or fourth time for some, the more I realized that I wouldn't be seeing many of them until the end of our lives, in His Kingdom. But that said, I have never been more passionate about the Lord and my desire to see Him glorified this semester has intensified since I've been home. And since we're on the subject . . . I got into a car accident yesterday! Holy cow. I'm fine, but the woman who hit me was pregnant. They took her to the hospital as a precaution, and I'm supposed to be getting a call from her husband or the sheriff to hear where she is or if she's even okay. It's a really unpleasant experience. Other than that, things have been nothing short of great: God has taught me so much over the summer, like how to depend on Him for everything, and how to draw strength and fruits of the Spirit from the Holy Spirit, that is indwelt with us the moment we accept Christ into our hearts. And for the biggest and greatest news of all:


I ACCEPTED CHRIST THIS SUMMER!

I realized that everything I knew about God and Jesus Christ was only a head knowledge; I had thought for 19 years that simply knowing His word or being a good person and obeying His laws made me a Christian. But it didn't. My discipler Katie expressed to me the day after I arrived on project the dire importance and seriousness of letting Christ into your heart, and physically accepting Him as our Lord and Savior . . . having 'heart-knowledge', if you will. And I'd never had that. Of course, for years I noticed and coveted the sincere devotion and passion and satisfaction other Christians had in knowing God, but I never was able to understand why my faith was so dependent on my feelings or why I consistently felt distant from God. Thank Him that He is persisent on His children's hearts, and that I realized my intense need for the Holy Spirit on that afternoon, with the guilt of my past sins heavier on my heart than they had ever been. I let my sins up to God, and opened up my heart to a knocking Christ and for the first time, accepted God's love and forgiveness and began my personal relationship with Him. I've had a 180 change ever since! And what a better environment to accept Christ in than a community of believers, for 10 weeks? I am so thankful that the Lord brought me to Daytona Beach, more than I can possibly say here or ever put into words. Being encouraged and supported by 40 other students my age, serving alongside them and glorifying our Lord until nightfall was beyond amazing, splendid and terrific . . . is there even a word to describe it? Probably not, it was that great. Here's a photo timeline of my experience for the past 10 weeks in Daytona Beach:

These were my roomates for the summer, minus Fran, who came in three weeks in and left only a few short weeks later. From left to right it's Amy, me and Lacey. Both girls were gorgeous and an enormous encouragement after I accepted Christ.


All of the 603 girls with our Discipler and Bible study leader, Katie. She was absolutely amazing . . . the woman who ultimately showed me how to open my heart and eyes to Jesus Christ. Her husband, Mark, came on project too.


Lacey and me, watching the shuttle Atlantis take off from the Kennedy Space Center. We all had a cookout, it was fun and goodtimes.


Lacey, me, Julie and Amy.

Heather, Amy Moore, me and Kelly in the back of our friend Patrick's truck, on our way to Florida's tallest lighthouse.

Kelly and I, being classy, as always . . .

Some project girls and I before the MangoFish concert, a traveling Summer Project band. It was one of our most successful outreaches, and we invited all of the beach community and our co-workers to come.

Dressed as robbers . . . the 708 boys were cops. That's Ben acting like something out of Reno 911.

Wacky Tacky Prom, kids! On the left is our fourth roomate Fran; she came to Project late and left early but she was great and we missed her a lot.

Two more girls with amazing hearts, Jessie and Betsy. They both attend East Carolina, only three hours from High Point.


All four of us on our last Women's Night. We had these meetings every Thursday night . . . for this one we dressed up and filled up the penthouse suite in a neighboring hotel, overlooking the Atlantic. I love this picture.


Staff guys Mark, Katie's husband, Bobby S. and Bobby B. at a Daytona Cubs baseball game.

Five weeks into Project, I got baptized in the ocean!

That's me and Earle, our Project Director, also an ordained minister. Then there's the whole crew, and lastly there's Sarah, Ashley and me. An outward expression of an inward change!

This is my church group - we all went to Christ Community, the most amazing church I've ever been to. The community and fellowship was just stunning. I'm gonna miss that church and its sunday school so much! That's Lacey, me, then the 703 girls (we were in room 603) with Betsy, Amy C., Elly, Amy from our room then their fourth roomate Bitz. The guys were Matt, Ross and Mike. They were the best . . . fantastic even, and I miss all of them already.


Ashley and me . . . I love this girl so much, she has one of the most warm hearts I've ever known.

I've been taught so many things, most of all the significance of obeying Him and following His desires, giving myself completely to Him every second of every day in every situation and just how to draw from the Holy Spirit. It's been such an amazing journey . . . I'm so blessed!

How can you look at this face and not feel jolly?

Here are some of my favorite photos that I've recently come across. Naturally, one of them is of Sufjan Stevens (my future best friend) but some of them are just plain cute (scroll down to baby.jpg). And this one was just funny to me, because ladies, this is what we all look like.



Babies! I can't wait to have my own kids. Okay...I can wait, but still - babies are really cute. You can't deny it.

Friends are pretty dang awesome too.

My summer break is going great so far, basically I'm just chillaxin, raising support for Daytona Summer Project in two weeks. Holy cow, I'm excited.

Ode to sophomore year!

Goodbye, goodbye! I am soooo done with this year. Okay, mostly just this semester (Fall '07 rocked my socks) but still I am definitely mentally exhausted and more ready than ever to leave school behind for a few months and just chillax. I look back at this year and all I see is change. Change and improvement. And that is good.

Ode to: love, and chilling thoughts of the future, and even chillier nights in the library at 4 am; frustration and anxiety over school, jobs, internships, work study, boys, teachers, advisors, presidents, friends; happiness and jubilation over all these things and more; dressing up for formals only to get sweaty and sore dancing the night away; driving to Harris Teeter at 1 am for Twizzlers and munchies; mumbles under the breah to similarly disgruntled and aggravated roomies; long walks on campus with a special someone; bated breath, rushed words, light-headedness, easy conversation, crooked smiles, everlasting friendship.

Did I mention how monumental this year was? Monumental and memorable.

I found these amazing kids, my fellow CRU leaders:

I aced Biology Research and Writing with a killer review paper and oral presentation on "Adaptations to Wintry Trauma in Perennial Softwoods":

I made more friends than I ever have before:

And grown in my relationship with Christ on turbo-speed. Even if it is far from perfect, I'm still more satisfied with and dependent on the Lord than ever.

Delightful, stressful, ever-mindful, scrumptrulescent, savory, tender, juicy, dramatic, comedic, laugh-out-loud, crying-into-shoulders, prasing-God, greensward-hopping, sophomore year.

Roomate issues

Sometimes, I don't understand God.

My roomate and I, we started out as best friends and now we are almost completely the opposite. It's heart-wrenching.

We had a screaming row this morning, and I have never had one of those in my entire life. It was honestly the worst experience... that I am even capable of that much rage, screaming at her things I completely regret and some things I can't even remember. It was that bad.

I guess I stretch the best-friends "no boundaries" thing too much. I mean, of course now I see that, but not when I was in the middle of my semester, thinking everything was peachy keen, besides me knowing that my keyboard typing is incessant and annoying. And all of this rage just builds up, without me knowing, until this morning at 5:30 when I accidentally woke her up. But it wasn't me being inconsiderate, I was in horrible pain and making "pain noises" or whatever, and honestly wasn't thinking about McKenzie or anyone else, just the intense pain going on in my legs! I mean, come on. She completely unloads on me after deliberately trying to piss me off, turning on all the lights at 6 am, banging boxes around, making an all around disturbance until I finally give up and ask her what the heck is going on... and she proceeds to tell me, her face red and positively SCREAMING, that I am completely inconsiderate for having been in pain and moaning, when she had an exam this morning at 8:30, which I had no idea about. I told her that maybe if I had two brains, one could encompass the pain in my legs and the other could be considerate and force me off the bunk bed and out of the room. She seriously said, I don't care, you could have left the room and moaned down the hall. Uhhh...whatev.

Basically she made it clear that I'm a bad roomate, or simply that the both of us don't work together, which I think we both knew from the beginning. But seriously... I just couldn't fathom anyone being that incredibly pissed off (especially at me) ever. It stinks that God allows these emotions... but maybe they're good also.

My friend Denise is amazing, and I have such other amazing friends who can hold me accountable instead of just criticizing me. Which is what everyone needs, especially Christians.

I need to just pray for peace and patience about the whole situation and find some scripture to define it.

I am going to burst

For a varitety of amazing (and not so amazing reasons).

Firstly, this week has been the CRAZIEST (and I emphasize crazy) week of my entire flipping life. This includes that one time my grandpa died and we adopted the neighborhood cat and I got caught dressing up in my sister's clothes and wearing her makeup, all in the same week. I was 6 or 7.

Anyway, yesterday I could barely catch my breath. A variety of obligations plus the fact that I'm no good at not procrastinating (yeah, thank you McKenzie for pointing out that flaw and your blatant dissaproval) kept me up for hours, I think I'd gone about 32 hours without sleep, until this evening at about 5 when I simply threw up my hands in exasperation and refused to do anymore and collapsed on my bed, which was pretty hard, since I'm on the top bunk. But oh, is it possible. I woke up at 2:30 this morning when McKenzie got back to the room, and basically fell out of my bed out of shock, then decided it wasn't so bad, I'd just finish my work all morning, take my time and have it all ready before class at 12:30. By the way, tomorrow is the last day of classes for my sophomore year. I am going to be a college junior in 4 months. I am scared out of my pants. Anyway, here is what I have to get done today:

1. shower, find a pretty dress to wear for my presentation
2. finish my oral presentation for BIO 213 (Adaptations to Wintry Trauma in Perennial Softwoods)
3. finish my review paper for BIO 213 (thank goodness it's just revisions and my abstract!)
4. eat lunch with Melodie
5. give my oral presentation
6. change into more comfortable clothes
7. go to my last Populations lab, and get dirty with some radish and wheat plants (woo hoo!)
8. head on out to Panther Palooza, help hand out free lounge chairs
9. relish in my free time from 7-7:45
10. go to CRU's last meeting of the semester, eat lots of cake
11. dance prolifically on the greensward, because all I have left is finals!

Also, this week has been amazing simply because I have the greatest people for friends in the world. You just can't get better than them, unless you were maybe Mother Theresa (or Jesus, of course!). I've been uplifted by them and I've just been pleasantly surrounded by their encouragement and comfort. Knowing that God has placed them in my life, all I can say is praise the Lord, for He is great! Awesome, amazing and terrific also come to mind.

So Sufjan in all his Christian glory continues to pleasantly surprise me. "The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out to Get Us!" is my new fave.

Oh great sights upon this state! Hallelu-
Wonders bright, and rivers, lake. Hallelu-
Trail of Tears and Horseshoe Lake. Hallelu-
Trusting things beyond mistake. Hallelu-

We were in love. We were in love.
Palisades! Palisades!
I can wait. I can wait.
Lamb of God, we sound the horn.
Hallelujah!
To us your ghost is born. Hallelu-

I can't explain the state that I'm in
The state of my heart, he was my best friend
Into the car, from the back seat
Oh admiration in falling asleep
All of my powers, day after day I can tell you, we swaggered and swayed
Deep in the tower, the prairies below I can tell you, the telling gets old
Terrible sting and terrible storm
I can tell you the day we were born
My friend is gone, he ran away I can tell you, I love him each day
Though we have sparred, wrestled and raged
I can tell you I love him each day
Terrible sting, terrible storm, I can tell you.

Anyway I have a review paper to revise, a few more cups of coffee to drink and a shower to take before lunch. My heart is going to burst! Life is amazing. God is awesome. Hallelujah :)

Such is life.

This weekend was good. I've been completely swamped with work since Friday, probably hanging out with friends and trying out the new gym more often than I should have. I have a 10 page paper due today in 3 hours, and if I didn't have prayer meeting and class, I'd be able to finish it in time... it's just one of those papers that you work on for days and yet, you're still working on it hours before it's due and it just isn't coming to you. It's frustrating, especially since the topic of my paper is religion in American politics. Talk about easy peasy. So I'm only halfway done and I'll have to turn it in late and have points docked off. Eh, such is life. I'm not too worried since I'm pretty sure I have an A in this course, and since my papers rock socks, I'm sure I won't get lower than a B. Oh, I have a Chemistry exam too. It just never ends. I'm pooped and I have no idea how I'm gonna make it throug the day... and I'll probably be pulling another all-nighter tonight.

And yet... life is utterly amazing. Realizing God's purpose for me comes more often as the days pass. It's hard to think straight having only 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours, but I do know the glory of God. And now I'm gonna go enjoy that glory and watch the sunrise before CRU prayer this morning.

Dear Darla (and mounds of end-of-semester homework)

I hate your stinkin' guts.

You make me vomit.

You're scum between my toes!

Love,

Alfalfa (and Alicia)

Summer Project!

I'm officially going to Daytona Summer Project in May! I am really pumped about this... I've prayed about it, hoped for it and pretty much peed my pants over it. And now it's happening. Now to just raise $3000 in two months.

Where did my contentedness go? I'm so unsure about millions of things, and uncertain. About relationships, about school, about friends and about family. I haven't spent enough time with God this semester. Which is weird, being a new CRU leader and all, being influenced by these amazing people devoted to God. I know that I am, but where are those fruits of the Spirit I should be having? I'm such an impatient boob sometimes.

Listening to: The Garden State Soundtrack

Here is why I adore this man.

Morgan and I were discussing the problem we both have with obsessions. Particularly me with Sufjan Stevens and her with the apparently petite John Ringhover. Why does God put these feelings in our hearts? Sometimes, it feels completely normal and at other times... well at other times I just feel unpleasant about it. Most of the time it's just admiration. Speaking of! Sufjan is a flipping talented writer and I love reading his stuff whenever I get my hands on it. Enjoy.

P.S. This is definitely where I got "friend-rock". No, it's not my own phrase. Dang.

An Essay By Sufjan Stevens

3.17.07

I remember Hard Rock, Punk Rock, Emo Rock, Alternative Rock, Classic Rock. I remember going to see Lee Renaldo and Thurston Moore make a lot of noise with a gaggle of guitars and a few props at CBGBs (Experimental Rock). I remember seeing a show in someone’s basement and there was a great deal of pushing and shoving (Mosh Rock). I remember the Moody Blues playing with a string ensemble (Symphonic Rock). I remember a band from Chicago that played jigs and reels (Celtic Rock). I remember seeing Deerhoof play at Luxx and after one very complicated song someone whispered, “Math Rock.” I remember Petra (Christian Rock). I remember seeing one of my songs categorized on iTunes as “Folk Rock.” I remember, recently, playing a whole tour in formal, seated theaters and thinking “Soft Rock.”

There are a lot more terms flying around today: New Rock, Ironic Rock, Situational Rock, Crotch Rock (don’t ask). But have you heard about Friend Rock? It’s very simple: you are going to a show not so much as a fan of the music, but as a fan of your friend, the musician, on stage. There are various incarnations, of course: you may know the singer, the drummer, or the bass player; you may have dated the keyboardist years ago; you went to high school with the trumpet player; one of them is your housemate, your office mate, your soul mate; or it may be “friendly-professional.” Perhaps you’re booked by the same agent, share the same lawyer, the same label, the same shoe sponsorship; there are various scenarios: your cubicle mate at work starts a band; you want to support her; your dentist is a celebrated tuba player; he gives you free tickets to his show; your brother divorces his wife, leaves the kids, starts a band, is coming through town, playing at Maxwell’s, can you make it to the show? Friend Rock stirs up all kinds of moral conundrums. Do you go out and show your support or stay home and watch The Simpsons? Even worse is Friend of Friend Rock. A close relative is Colleague Rock. Family Rock is usually the worst (unless you are Danielson). For the sake of argument, I lump them all together. Friend Rock is a nebulous genre, often difficult to define. How does one isolate the variables? The first step to recovery is recognition; self-inquiry is key. Consider carefully your motivations for being at the show in the first place. Are you bringing to the performance an anxious, pathological obligation (by sheer, relational proximity) and an unfaltering, unquenchable desire to chatter, gossip, and talk about said friend onstage, capsizing your ability to enjoy anything about the music at all? If so, you may be in the midst of Friend Rock. But there you are, biting your tongue, with an iron will, the will to love, a stoic cheerleader, a loyal comrade, a cheap listener, you are sticking it out because that person onstage is your Friend.

Here are some other cues, in no particular order:

1) you are on the guest list
2) you know more than 40% of the people attending the show
3) you have a backstage pass
4) you have drink tickets
5) you brought a book and/or The New York Times Magazine to the club
6) you watch the performance with your arms crossed
7) you know the set list (you may have even helped write it)
8) you have loaned gear--amps, mics, a drum kit, a tambourine, an oboe
9) you are selling merch (How did you get suckered into that one?)
10) you would like more than anything in world to leave before the encore, but you stick it out and wait around backstage to say, “Oh my God, that was great, thanks for putting me on the guest list!”
11) the band asks if they can crash on your floor
12) you make up some story about your cat having a terrible yeast infection (can’t sleep, howls all night, pees all over the kitchen, etc.)
13) you agree, at least, to meet them for “breakfast” (lunch, really) at Kellog’s Diner
14) you go home, tired, relieved, a little bitchy, a little boozy (all those drink tickets!), an armful of promo CDs that you will try (unsuccessfully) to sell to Other Music later that week (shrink wrap still intact).

Lest we confuse this essay for criticism, let me say there is such a thing as good Friend Rock. The term is non-evaluative. Your old college roommate really can sing, after all. Your neighbor writes great guitar licks. Your best friend’s girlfriend knows her way around the piano. The world is full of talented people, your friends included. But that’s not the point. The predicament with Friend Rock is not the music, but the context, yourself included. Is the show weighed down by your own self-consciousness, nervous chatter, inside jokes, every onstage anecdote met with a knowing sigh? Do you find yourself comparing this set (at Piano’s) with last weeks (at Pete’s Candy Store)? Do you find yourself drinking too much? Do you find yourself writing imaginary reviews, editing the songs in your head (“ax bridge, cut to chorus”), suggesting different stage attire, humming alternate harmonies? Don’t you see?! The problem isn’t the music. The problem is you. Be a good friend and get out of there, go home and spend some time in quiet self-examination, silently venting, meditating on your role as a friend, reading a good self-help book (Dale Carnegie, anyone?), or writing your own thoughts in your diary, something like this:

“Oh friends, friends-of-friends, friends-of-colleagues, friends-of-distant-relatives, upstanding, good looking, perfectly nice people with masters degrees who want so badly to be on stage: it’s not so much that we don’t like your band, or your songs, or your hairstyle, or your promos, or your one-sheet, or your website, or your flying-V guitar. It’s just that you were our friend first, and an aspiring musician second, and, honestly, in the end, we would rather be having coffee with you, or flying kites, a picnic in the park, cross-country skiing, something active, aerobic, conversational, therapeutic, enriching, interpersonal, paint-by-numbers, dodge ball, falafel sandwich, sunset, holding hands, human touch. Can we still be friends?”

Sufjan Stevens is a failed writer, an expert folder (he can wrestle a fitted sheet into a perfect square), and an admirer of Brahms symphonies. He is currently reading (very slowly, painstakingly) Robert Caro’s biography of Robert Moses, The Power Broker. Sufjan admits to having borrowed the concept of Friend Rock from his good friend Sonny Aronson, who admits to having stolen it from his friend Cheryl Botchick (former editor of CMJ New Music Report), who may or may not have gleaned the term from the gossipy pages of NME Magazine, the editors of which often claim to have coined every fleeting and faddish term in the music industry since the 1970s, although we know that just is not true.

Heavenly Father, take the reigns!

I need to just let the Lord take the reigns and steer my life. I forget how important that is.

Life is amazing. I won't go so far to exclude things like insurmountable stress and seemingly pointless hardships that both this school and God have hit me in the face with, but heck, I do have running water and a SURPLUS of other awesome entities, so life must be amazing. On the latter note let me just say one more time how crazy these past two weeks have been... but that's all I'm gonna say, if I complain about the past 14 days one more time, I think a bit of my soul might die. More importantly, my bubbly attitude, which so many people here depend on... no, that would not be good.

So I am officially working under the biology department, classifying trees to my hearts content and getting paid for it. Easy? Heck no! Redonkulously (I use this word too much) difficult and painstaking? Yeah! (fist pump). Basically, I ask myself every morning why Dr. Nekl chose me for this job. And sadly I usually come up empty handed - I guess there are just some qualities I can't see. Anyway, God has blessed me with this opportunity and I need to to my best.

Listening to: Dave Matthews Band's Crash

All the trees of the field will clap their hands

This is from one of my favorite verses from Isaiah. It goes like this:

"For you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands."

Amazing. I think the mere fact that Sufjan Stevens made it a song title makes me adore it even more. Perhaps more than is necessary.

Speaking of, Morgan Blizzard is amazing. Sujan was playing at her school Friday evening, and as I was making the long drive to Asheville for the CRU leadership conference with Dane, Patty and Josh, she called me and held up the phone to the stage. I heard TWO, live, Sufjan songs. TWO. My friends are flipping wonderful.

And so I am writing this dang pape, actually it's a book review on a 300-page mother all about partisan lables and yawn and bore. Of course I've been working on this extended study by Sharon E. Jarvis for about two months now and still I manage to work on it just hours before it's due. The Talk of the Party - don't read it. Please. Anywho I have some pics of last weekend.

Denise, Josh and me.

Denise, me, Dane and Josh. Possibly my favorite pic of ALLL time.

All the time we spent in bed... fall in love and fall apart.

Thank God for Sufjan Stevens. And these lyrics. The first one really makes me appreciative of the amazing time I do get to sleep in bed, which is grounding, especially this week which is beyond stressful and into the realm of redonkulous. It's hard to praise God and thank him for his blessings when crazy weeks like this come around. And the second lyric is just a reflective one. I've had romantic feelings for more than one person this past semester, and I'm growing emotionally with everyone around me, and it's hard. Just being a college student and competing with the bombshells out there with more (physically) to offer, not really knowing if whatever relationship in front of me is one that God wants me to have.

A huge and gigantic thank you to the amazing Morgan (see profile picture at right) for introducing me to Sufjan in high school! Thank you, thank you and thank you.

I just have so much to do and I really don't know where to start. Maybe by banging my head against the keyboard.

We talked about the importance of prayer at Sunday's leadership meeting. I found out that I am always falling prey to impatience and (in the lightest sense of the word) hate. A few verses jumped out at me that night.

If we know of what we ask of Him, and we know that He hears us, we know that we
have what we have asked of Him.
John 5:14-15

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices holy and pleasing to God - this is your spritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:1-2

Oh, the Word of God is amazing.

Photo-blog.

Heeyyy, this is really a continuation of my "FRIENDS!" post on Saturday, with some of my favorite photos from this past week. Also, can I just say I love Wednesdays? Something about hump-day is just amazing. Well, maybe part of it is because I have absolutely no meetings on this day (well I do until discipling starts at 4 next week) plus McKenzie has an evening class from 6 to 9, which translates into me getting the room to myself for three whole hours...fist pump!

This was right after some 2nd floor Wesley girls went to the High Point train station to pick up Kerry Q, kind of our mother on the hall. She was in the hospital the week after Spring Break because she has Chrone's.

Me and Denise at CRU formal, possibly the best time I've had in a while. I don't see her enough since she graduated last year.


Okay. This is Rachel and I, one of the lovliest and Alicia-like persons (besides me) I've ever met. We could be twins, the way she raves about old hollywood and Fred Astaire!

This is my buddy from Greensboro, Ashton. Hopefully I'll be doing Summer Project with her in Daytona this year!

Aaand this is the new CRU leadership team! I love these guys. Seriously, look how amazing we are! (we never did have a single picture with all of our attention.)

That's all for now. A big "Whoo!" for awesome and Godly friends, and an amazing but busy week ahead. APO's camping trip is this weekend. Worrd.

Currently listening to: "Chicago" by Sufjan Stevens

FRIENDS!

Are flipping amazing. Some people I really thought were my friends, I guess aren't thanks to recent times and I'm incredibly bummed about it but what else can I do besides become stronger from it and move on? So I am. Right now.

In other incredibly exciting news, CRU formal was last night! And I had a complete blast. It was such an amazing success, which means it'll just be better last year. My feet hurt from dancing so much, but that's the price of letting go of inhibitions and dancing to your heart's content.

God is so flipping awesome, I can't hold it in.

I would really like a relationship right now, but it's not happening. Is he asking me for patience? or is our relationship right now not solid enough for me to persue an earthly one? I'm so confused right now.

Mini-blog, fa sho. (part deux)

Today is a magnificent day. The CRU leaders prayed outside of Starbucks and then we had breakfast in the caf. I am SO happy to be back at HPU.

Mini blog, fa sho.

Is it possible to fall in love with a song?

If it is, I totally and completely have. With Rufus Wainwright's "Agnus Dei", which means "Lamb of God" in Latin.

The melodies, the violins, the frustrating cello in the beginning that evolves into a swarming envelope of warm sounds and tones - I am absolutely liking this man and this song. His voice is one of the most devine things I've ever heard, and when he wails "Pecatta Mundi..." I just get shivers. It's fa sho one of those songs that you have to either lay down or close your eyes to get the whole experience. And the experience is devine.

Agnus dei
Agnus dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Agnus dei
Agnus dei
Qui tollis peccata mundi
Dona nobis pacem
Dona nobis pacem
pacem
Dona nobis pacem

Lamb of God
You who take away the sins of the world
Lamb of God
You who take away the sins of the world
Give Us Peace
Give Us Peace
Peace
Give Us Peace.

Hair cut! And a few things I love

Finally! My hair is gone (well, almost) and it feels great.


Some other things: I absolutely adore this power-couple.


I love to just see others enjoying life. Just seeing my dog resting happily on my mom's lap today made me content. I also love Stranger Than Fiction, I just saw it for the second time tonight and it's better this time around.

God is completely my Lord and he is my savior, but sometimes I forget that. I wish that I could accept his terms and delve happily into his Scripture, even when I'm in a place I don't love or unmotivated to do things simply because I'm unhappy with the people around me. Oooh but when things are good or I'm in a good place, my praises come pouring out and all I can think about is him. What a relationship.

watching: Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Spring Break! (and some other things...)

Spring Break's here (insert excited face). I have to say I wasn't prepared for it. I could've stayed in High Point for at least a couple more weeks. Isn't that weird? Last year I couldn't get home fast enough and now, I'm homesick for High Point. It's a different experience when you don't want to be home. Don't get me wrong... I love seeing my supportive family, but when I come home (and not really wanting to at that) I really just want the ultimate atmosphere to just relax and hang out with my fam, maybe hit the salon for a hair cut (I still don't know what I'm doing with it). But since I've been home, well my dad is never home since he's working the outage at the power plant and my mom is having pre-menstruation problems, you know, depression, thinking she has no friends, complaining, just being overall grumpy all the time. Which is really unfortunate because her life is amazing, I just wish God would open her eyes to help her see that more. And... I know God calls me to be grateful for the things I have - but I can't help but feel a little depressed whenever I come home. I just have bad memories stored in this house. I hated moving around, I always felt like I didn't fit in in middle and some of high school, I didn't have the most supportive family at the time and I was still in the middle of my dance training, aka anorexia-ville. I went through alchohol and smoking and making bad choices with my friends on this street. I stole my sister's clothing when she was gone. All these things... they all happened while I was living here. I feel like one of God's criterion for my colleges was that it was reasonably far from my home. I know now that Canada and Oxford (the places I was thinking of at the time) were a little extreme and He never wanted me that far away, but during my senior year I was blindsided by my more unsavory moments in Lusby and getting eons of space between me and my family was all I could think about. It stinks that God lets those feelings surface, that I allow them to come around and knock me off my feet when I least expect it. Sometimes, when I do something seemingly miniscule, like walking into the dark laundry room or just getting into my childhood bed at night, I get the worst, almost revolting feelings towards this house and my past. It sucks. A lot. Regardless... you know, God calls us to make the best of these situations, to learn and be stronger because of them, and I guess I'll have to. :o)

In other news!

CRU's first formal is coming up a week or two after we get back from break and Britt and I are heading it up, amazing! We really haven't had time to organize much, it being the hectic weeks before break with midterms and projects and all that but I can't wait to get back and start working on it. Being a CRU leader is amazing. Sometimes daunting, like when we have prayer and I feel like I'm being called to speak aloud, but it's such a weakness of mine that I always bite my tongue. Or being vocal about ideas. Hopefully these things are just jitters and they'll abate themselves before long, after we've grown closer as a group. Hopefully! I'm so, so hopeful about this.

Aaaand that's it. When I cut my hair I'll update.

Listening to: my last.fm personal radio station

Life's full of compromises...

Man is it ever! Mostly I'm talking about my crazy Bio major and the redonkulous amount of Chemistry credits I have to take just to keep it. And it's really bringing me down. There's a big difference between learning something and struggling to understand something. I do a lot of the latter when it comes to Chemistry. And this is only general... what will happen once I make it to Organic, one of the hardest classes available at High Point? When I'm not worrying about Chemistry I'm completely fine. Especially when I'm not worrying about Chemistry and God and His amazingness is on my mind. Everything is wonderful and all I can think about is what he's planned for me and being a good steward for Him and everything else spiritually in my life... but dear Lord, once Chem comes along, rolling to my plate like a moldy cheese wheel that no one wants.

Here are a few things I want to accomplish this year:
1) Find a good, Christian boy. And not just to date but to befriend and learn from.
2) Find my Christian mentor. I'm about to get my discipler soon so maybe that won't be too far ahead.
3) Go to more concerts.
4) Maybe take a Chem course over the summer.

PS. Congrats on the oscar, J Hud!!

Needing some God time

Lots of the title this week PLUS there's a crazy virus going around the country and now my very own hall... where did my contendedness go? This week has been so rediculous and no, it wasn't all my class's fault. Probably more than half of it was me. I've been napping when I shouldn't have, focusing so much on me and my problems and just not enought on God and just letting him take the reigns for a bit. I need to just relax. I need to just learn what pork barrel politics is and find a good argument against it for my US Gov. debate tomorrow. I need, I need, I need. I need to get my sliced-open finger checked out. It looks 10 times better than it did last Friday, but I digress. It still hurts like a mother and I swear I hit it about 20 times a day. My happiness fluctuates during the day. Sometimes, mostly when I'm around my amazing friends or even walking across campus on a sunny day like today by myself, I'm so crazy happy I just don't know how to respond to all the blessings God's given me. And then other times... most of the time - I'm depressed and I just don't know how to go about life. What do I do about my summer? Am I going to Kenya to study rainforest patterns or not? Are Kenz and I ever going to go back to our wonderful relationship? Why am I not motivated to get all this work done? I should be grateful for this amazing education opportunity and I just don't feel like I'm utilizizng what I should to make things the best they can be. I want to organize the room and I need things to be uncluttered. I need to end this blog.

Currently watching: a repetitive Conan O'Brien (will he ever get new material?) on Late Night

So happy and filled with happy things to say

I absolutely love pulling all-nighters. It's weird... most people dread them, or can make it through the night peacefully but secretly they completely regret putting things off. Now I'm not saying I need to keep procrastinating or that it's an awesome thing but I've always done my best work at night and when I'm pressed for time... I love to just stretch things out, even if it means I don't get much sleep. And I don't think I'm making much sense but... it's a completely contented feeling. The campus is silent and deserted, it's a balmy 48 degrees outside (thank you, desktop weather!) and I'm thinking about hitting the library for a couple hours then checking out the sunrise, then if I'm finished with Research and Writing by then I'll just nap till class at 12:30.

Something else that is really really happy is this amazing movie I just finished. Love, Actually - so feel-good, so lovely and so warm. It's the first time I've watched it. There've been so many times I meant to watch it but it never happened, and tonight was a great night to watch it. When I'm really comfortable with my earthly relationships and so content with so many things in my life. Seeing what's in store for me when God decides it's the right time. Watching this movie has gotten me more excited about the relationships God has ready for me than I've been in a long time. Since I first read "The Great Love". Aaaamazing.

So I'm a CRU leader. And while initially I felt like I wouldn't be welcome (weird how those feelings come about) and still things aren't clicking completely with the entire leadership team, right now so many of those feelings have been washed away after prayer this morning and our first meeting as a team tonight. The importance of prayer on our campus is really beginning to sink in like it hasn't for the past semester. I really hope a lot of good comes out of my relationships with these guys and to CRU and to the rest of the campus.

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson's You Found Me

Annoyances.

I'm in the middle of my massive mound of homework and I'm reminded of a lot of annoyances that I have and that I'm experiencing right now...

Like my next door neighbors, who have all of a sudden stopped talking to me. Everytime I go in there to say, "Good morning!" or "Hey, just wanted to stop by to say hi..." they're completely nonchalant, barely making eye contact and barely murmuring a few words here and there. With as few syllables as possible. I've noticed they've been a lot colder since I told them that Kenz and I made up after our fight last week, and I honestly hope that's not the case... because if it is, that's rediculous and pretty disheartening. So basically I'm gonna stop putting myself in that situation and I'll limit our relationship to outside the dorm.

Speaking of dorms we rearranged ours yesterday! Bunkbeds = too much room to know what to do with. Maybe a new colorful rug is in order. Or maybe a doormat. I've always wanted one of those. Hmm...

Listening to: John Coltrane's Love

edit

I'm also annoyed that I can't be a drama queen in my own room. I want to scream and shout during Desperate Housewives but instead, I feel stupid when I do and only because of my roomate. "I live with a drama queen!" comes out of her mouth every time I, well, act like myself and freak out when Orson's mother pulls the knife out of the kitchen drawer. Is that a big deal? No. Why is it a big deal to her? Grr.

Look at me, yeah yeah yeah yeah...

The opening lines to this song are so poignant and clear, it's hard not to feel for the singer when you're frustrated yourself. Which for me, happens frequently when I'm not focused enough on God and too much focused on myself. "Misty" was originally done by Lady Day herself, and her version is by far the best, even though the version I have on my computer is by Sarah Vaughan and I've only heard the former once. But anyway, it's defnitely the best. Versions aside, it's the perfect cafe/nightclub croon, smoke wisping in and around the lazy crowds, blue stage lights, a casual ciggy in one hand, plum-red lipstick accentuating the sensual words. It's the perfect song for in-between relationships, when you're passed that crush stage and either sure or not about making that next step or leap towards that person - moving on to the next stage in your relationship. Or it's perfect when you're just confused about love or need a good background vibrato to contemplate life to. I've done both numerous times. Basically any Billie Holiday song is good for that. I have this amazing poster of her on my closet door right now, it's black and white - or almost sepia toned, I can't tell - and it's just her and her band and a few faithful followers sitting at their white-linened tables, and she's belting out some tune, her hair is swept from her face in a tight wrap as if she's going out on the town or something serious, her eyes are clenched in frustration or some other emotion and her arms are up and her fists are clenched. Basically everything about her stance exudes emotion and power and it's hard not to feel some sort of force emanating from that image every time I pass it. The thing that I love most about this poster is not just that it expresses everything Billie was as a perforer but that she was able to do it all in one spot, completely immoble, a clear foot behind the microphone. Where most performers today are all mic, you know, sometimes the mic overtakes the song, the singer practically eating it on stage to better exude personality or frustrations or whatever - Billie Holiday has no guitar or showy hair or clothes to hide behind and she definitely doesn't hide behind the mic. All of her attitude comes from her, her voice, her expressions, using what little space she did have on a typical stage to convey as much emotion as possible, and she's able to convey more emotion in one chorus than thousands of artists can do in their lifetime. Everything is a backdrop to her. She is just that amazing. Haha, basically I've been obsessed with her all throughout college and it'll probably last for the rest of my life. I hope, anyway.

I love finding new music, just surfing YouTube, asking around among my friends and cruising the Myspace selection from time to time. One of my new favorite artists is Rosie Thomas, she has this deep, sensual voice which is a complete cover for her typically mousy and high speaking voice. She's definitely with Rufus in that their singing voices are so much better than their normal voices. Funny how that works. I definitely wouldn't mind cracking out her latest album while cleaning up the dorm this weekend (even though I have absolutely no clue when I'm going to have time).

I really need to schedule out this weekend, it's just that crazy. First off, I have a huge Research and Writing project due Tuesday, all about plagiarism and practicing avoiding it amoing scientific journals. Then I have standard Chemistry due Monday except I wasn't in class Monday thanks to me forgetting to turn my alarm off the night before, Wednesday we had a test and today we simply went over it. So basically I need to read and gain mastery of the chapter to complete about 20 homework problems. Crazy! Then we just got our US Government tests from last week back and the class average was about an 80, though it's mostly because there just wasn't enough time, nobody finished. Anyway he's allowing us to rewrite whatever we didn't finish and he'll grade it again. Sweet, but still I'm already swamped with Alpha Phi Omega this weekend and finding time will be hard. And then there's Populations, our test was going to be Monday but (thank the Lord!) he moved it to Wednesday to better cover some material we couldn't get to today in class. But still I'll have to study for it and there are plenty of things I don't understand. Pheeeeeeew that's an incredibly amount but I'll get it done. Crazy week, crazy week.

ps. I'm a CRU leader! A staff member came down to High Point to tell me my requirements and I told her I accepted - and she told me I was in! I'm so psyched, so psyched. I really thought it wouldn't happen until Fall of next year and it's all kind of sudden, but that's all good. I have my first meeting next Sunday. :o)

Things like this just make me happy.

Valentine's Day was just made awesome! My good friend Melodie just got engaged! Talk about your awesome days.

Sufjan Stevens.

I couldn't live without this man.

I love the part at the end of "Come on! Feel the Illinoise!", where the song completely changes, with chirpy violins and sultry tones.

One day this week I'm gonna go through a ton of my albums and pick my favorite song from each of them and I already have 8 or 9 ready... sweet action, I can't wait!

So I've given up on my roomate and I's friendship and it seems she has too. Apparently she was looking for me yesterday while I was at Catholic Mass with Jenny, but she still hasn't talked to me despite the fact I've seen her at least half a dozen times since then. Times alone in the room are still weird but a lot less awkward since I stopped placing all the blame on me. So hooray! I can't believe, and most of my friends either, that I'm dealing with everything so well, but honestly I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm complaining a lot less too... this relation"shiz" is honestly not dragging me down like it has and I'm simply less worried about whether or not I'm making her happy. But anyway I feel like I've talked about this subject to much, so that's the end of that!

Can I just say that my friends are flipping amazing? Like Sufjan, I just don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them. I know I'm supposed to be able to depend entirely and completely on God, and of course I'm working on it but amazing friends like Brittany and Jenny just make my life so flipping awesome and my problems are just 10 times easier to deal with when I'm around them. Amen!

I love my life. :o)

A weekend of great women, roomates and Jennifer Hudson

Talk about a remedy for crappy weeks! I think Dreamgirls is going to be one of the greatest experiences of my movie-going life simply because how much the music has supported me in my worst times. Like right now... I'm having severe roomate problems, I actually cried about it this morning in the community bathroom a few times... but talking to Jenny through lunch and a Starbucks run for an hour and a half and breaking out the Jennifer Hudson in the dorm has completley turned around my crappy week. Amaaazing.

So yesterday, long story short Mckenzie and I had a little fight about me being a hypocrite (supposedly), or rather, she tore me a new one and I stood there not standing up for myself like always, and we haven't talked since. It's basically been the lowest point of this week, I've cried already and basically deduced that I'm going to stop trying to turn around our crashing friendship and give up. I've prayed about it, talked to my friends about it, complained about it... and I'm just done. I can't put any more effort into being best friends with her again or simply making her a happy roomate, I'm just not perfect and I simply can't read her mind like I guess she thinks I should. And while I was bitter this morning, I'm not anymore after talking to my friends about it and having the tiniest bit of closure. Oh, drama!

Last night was Triad Women's Night, and needless to say it was amazing, supportive and I had enough fondue to last me another year. Those girls are awesome and if I had any qualms about being a CRU leader next year or getting along with any of them, they're completely gone now. I had a great time talking to Ashley about Sufjan (we're both a little crazy about him), school and the sweetness of God driving to Kernersville for the whole event, getting lost more than once and wondering why we still didn't know our way around High Point after being here for so long. Here's what we talked about:

- the power of a woman's beauty
- "Women are beautiful to guys because God made them that way. Their beauty and our desire are God-given. The nakedness of a woman has a powerful impact on us."
- As women with this 'power', this allure, we need to wield that gift with honor and integrity

Sweeeeet. I'm loving life right now.

I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep!

Honestly, not because I physically can't, but because I have too much studying to do before Friday comes. Oh wait! It's here. BLAST

Currently I'm finishing up Chemistry homework and answering a few short answer questions to prepare for my first US Government test today at 10, suprisingly destressing as I go (there's just something about a dark, completely silent room that takes the edge of a crappy week off), taking breaks now and then to un-mute the second run of The Tonight Show (Sally Fields is on)or to gaze at Mckenzie's new fish, Hampton, on her desk.

How many pots of coffee can a single person go through in one sitting before she explodes? In particular, this certain stressed student trying to make it through her all-nighter without collapsing on her bicameralism notes! Oh fa sho. Actually I've only had two cups since this night started and I've only gone to the bathroom 5 times (it's the caffeine pulling water out of your cells), a really low number for all those serious coffee drinkers out there.

Most of my friends and I came to a consensus today and decided that this week has been the crappiest, by far, of the semester. Maybe it is for me because I have my first ever test today and I just don't feel prepared for it. Maybe it's that plus the stress of APO Rush Week, having to learn everyone's names, talking to the pledges about the fraternity but having to remember to bite your tongue all the time (since pledges aren't supposed to know secret greek things) and all the while keeping up a smile and an out-stretched hand.

Last thought: TCM is a godsend!

Does anyone have a stress remedy?

Because holy mother, I need about a gajillion right now. I can't remember being this stressed! Usually I have a grasp of the material (at least a finger or two on it), and I honestly usually never go into a test having no idea what I'm going to write or think about. But this American Government class (it's honors, by the way) is kicking me in the butt all the way to next week and I don't understand why it is. I've taken plenty of notes, every class is interesting and I'm pretty motivated for all of them and yet, when I took some time to look over the test guide, I completely spazzed out, searching my notes frantically for information that just wasn't there. He's interesting enough but really general and ambiguous with his lectures that never come with notes but rather the occasional, sporadic term scrawled on the board. How do I make great essays out of that? While we're on the topic I'm really disgruntled by the fact that multiple teachers here expect you to learn entirely by reading the text - if I could learn all the material by buying a few books, I wouldn't need these teachers and thus this university would have no right charging me for anything besides room and board. You are here to teach me the material, not the book. But anyway...

Basically, I'm really stressed right now and not sure how to deal with it. For me, I've always been bad with dealing with stress; it usually goes hand in hand with me feeling unmotivated and simply sitting on my stress and contemplating how horrible it is. Which definitely includes this blog. I know the thing to do is just make a list of my things to do and get them done... but honestly, when you're a college student and you have tons on your plate already without the classes and homework and tests, it's easier said than done. Right now, I just want to finish my coffee, my laundry and The Daily Show, finish tidying up my half of the room and end my day (also redonkulously long) and just crawl into bed. Sometimes, I can just breathe in and out a few times, think about the magnificence of God and I'm reminded of my blessings and all of my stress flows away, off into the wilderness of High Point University to dissipate into the air or enter the minds of some other troubled students. Mmm, I really dislike this feeling.

It's Rush week for Alpha Phi Omega and what I thought would be an awesome week of fellowship has just turned into stress squared.

All this finding Agape before Ethos is not working out even though I really, really want it to. I still find myself crushing on guys here, trying unsuccessfuly to bring something around with these relationships and I simply keep crashing and burning. Thinking back on my failed relationships now, I can obviously see that it's a sign... but still. I guess having strength to follow through with the necessary but not always pleasant things in life is what being a Christian is all about. Or at least it's a little of what God calls us to do.

Currently watching: David Letterman

No AIM is hurting...a lot.

Weeeell, the title really gives it away, but formally, I have officially given up Instant Messenger since Thursday morning. It was a new year's resolution of mine and I knew that this day was coming... but it still doesn't take away from the void that AIM has left in my daily life. Horribly sad but true, though this is the very reason I wanted (and needed) to take a break from it for a while. It's become such a gigantic crutch for me, I'm always divulging more online than I should (for instance, this past week I completely let all inhibitions about AIM go and told an aquaitence (sp?) of mine about my various health problems. Mind you, this was a boy, not a girl. Completely different.) and it simply promotes laziness when I could be stretching my legs and walking across the hall to tell my friend that the cafe was good today... most of my friends don't get why I'm doing this or don't care, which is more or less frustrating. But when is it not - I mean, how many times has somebody been passionate about something when no one else was? Or they just didn't understand? I think the fact that I'm a little old-fashioned when it comes to socializing and dating plays a huge factor in why I hate AIM so much. Most kids use it as a barrier for communication, for sometimes serious conversation and idle chat... I however, used to only use it to keep appointments, finalize things and say hello once and a while, and that was it. Note the word used. I didn't start hating it until I was asked out on a date, for the first time since I'd been at High Point - on AIM. On AIM! I couldn't believe it... if this guy really liked me, why wouldn't he ask me to my face? And how could hiding behind a computer make the situation any better? Hoooow? It was annoying and disheartening, to say the least. It had become an excuse to avoid personal confrontations - the face to face kind - and more than ever, students like me were making it an excuse more consistently each day, holding up our computers in front of our faces as if voiced conversation had become shameful or embarassing. I say I've hated it since then, yet I grew to use it daily over the following months, mostly to avoid the mildest form of public humiliation (not using AIM incessantly) and to keep everyone aware of my goings-on via my away messages. In fact, the only person I talked to every day was Chris, and this is the only thing that's kept me from giving AIM up already. It's the biggest reason these past couple days have stunk without it. Anyway... now that it's gone, the time I would have usually spent talking on AIM is left completely empty, so what do I do now? Homework? More traveling around the complex to talk to the people I care about? Probably, but not soon. I'm still adjusting. Spending more time on Facebook than I normally do. But enjoying the time I have with my friends a lot more. Starting to focus on the things I've missed out on while wasting my life away on AIM. Mostly thinking too much, like of where my life is headed, trying to get my prayer life going, thinking of what Mckenzie and I are going to do about our best friend/married couple status. It sounds like a deep transformation, and it is. I never would have expected it, but it's definitely here. Talk about a crutch!

Listening to: Iron and Wine

Love life update.

I want to find love within the Holy Spirit before I experience love on earth. Plainly, I really don't want a relationship right now. I may have thought I did earlier (in my life, this week) but now, after some circumstances, I realize that I don't. And it's a relief, to be honest. I really just want to be able to open my heart entirely to the Lord, let him fill me up with joy and so much love that's fit to burst. I need to have Agape before I have Eros, a Godly relationship before an exotic one. I'm excited beyond words to find that someone that God has prepared for me, to share that Eros love with - but right here, right now, all I want is Agape. I'm working on it.

"Let integrity and uprightness preserve me
For I wait for You."
- Psalms 25:21

Ponderings on this past week...

The past few days have been, if nothing else, enlightening and some of the happiest times I've had since the semester started. They've also been uttlerly and insanely frustrating and maddening to no degree. Either way, I'm relieved that it's one o'clock at the top of the week and simply that as of an hour ago, last week is officially over. I mentioned ponderings in my title, so here they are:

1) Most of the time, it is beyond difficult to be a model Christian. Maintaining a strict, conservative regimen from day to day in light of college debauchery that is mounds of alcohol and sex 24/7 is like asking an alcoholic who's just gotten out of rehab not to dive into a gigantic vat of Sam Adams. It's hard.

2) Living with your once-best friend is just like # 1, it's hard. Especially since the things that broke us up stemmed from us being roomates. Like her incessant criticism and negativity. Hey, there are some things you can't help like your rhinocerous-snoring but there are other things that you can change to not make your roomate want to jump out the window.

3) Why do guys that you haven't talked to for months, let alone ever been close to suddenly find you on AIM only to hit you with flattery (aka flirtation) every other second? What does this mean? Why are you doing this, especially since you know this must feel awkward? I dislike it when men flirt when they know that nothing will come out of it, that it can't or that you don't want it to. But some of that isn't necessarily their fault.

4) It ALSO stinks when you're roomate has had a falling out with a certain person, and then your happen to become really good friends with that person later on. It's just really and unnecessarily awkward. I know that she assumes that said person and I gab about her all the time, which just isn't true. But she thinks it. She thinks a lot of things, but instead of talking it out with me she talks constantly to her boyfriend, who is a New Jersian as well and only fuels her hatred towards everything. But I've complained and complained about this subject and I'm not going to complain anymore right now.

5) One should never ponder too much. It simply isn't good for your mental well-being.

6) Friends are the greatest. I say, just surround yourself with your best friends as much as you can, and you'll be happy.

Listening to: the fan above and the computer next to me hum
Reading: the first Harry Potter
Final thought: my hands are really soft, thanks to various hand salves from Bath and Body Works (only the greatest store in Oak Hollow Mall!)

The Great Love.

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian, says: “No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, giving yourself totally to me, to have an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing and that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you! You just wait, that’s all. Don’t look at the things you want. You just keep looking off and up to me or you’ll miss what I want to show you. And then when you are ready, I’ll surprise you with a love far more wonderful that you could dream of. You see, until you are ready I am working even this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied with me and the life I am preparing for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me, and this perfect love. Dear one, I want you to see in the flesh a picture as a picture of your relationship with me, and enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am the Almighty God, believe it and be satisfied. I say this to you because I love you and I have the best for you, just wait on me!”

Love, love and love. This goes out to my awesome friend Brittany who listened to me ramble for two hours this morning about my "guy troubles"... oh, college can be so high school sometimes.

College roomate etiquette.

So no one likes to have a second mom on campus, nagging you about what you're doing wrong with your life, how watching CSI instead of getting through your chemistry homework faster is going to ruin your college career, giving you "you're going to regret this" and "I would never" eyes when you take an afternoon nap. Especially if your second mom happens to be your roomate. It's just rediculous when people around you make things SO much bigger than they are or should be...for instance, taking the occasional nap after a dayful of classes. Hey, if I have the free time, I'm going to sleep for two hours. Anyway, my roomie says she appreciates the fact that I get most of my work done at night (she's even reminded me how hard it was to go to sleep at 11 pm through my typing - but she's worked through it, for my sake) but she's constantly berating me about staying up till 1 studying or watching TV instead of cracking open my lab notes like I should be doing ("Didn't you say you were going to the library?") and not always with words, either. It's mostly in her tone or her physical attitude, when she asks what I'm doing (crocheting a scarf, reading Harry Potter), as she make it blatant that she's homeworking away (furiously highlighting some gigantic textbook, regally announcing her depature to the library for that accounting study group). A little rediculous? A little overbearing? Way to mom-ish (when we were only best friends last year)? I think so.

Life is...

flipping awesome when your biggest decision of the week is which lyric from "I Am Changing" (aka the greatest Dreamgirls showtune) you're going to put in your away message.

Facebooking!

Dear Morg-

Sufjan and I anxiously await your return to the states! Btw, while you were gone we got married and had two kids! Amazing what you miss when you move to Mexico! Lol seriously, I hope you are having an amazing time in the south and I miss you a gargantuan amount!

Regards,

Alicia :)

AIM Adventures (Part 2).

johnnywonkadepp: NO NO NO WAY I'M LIVIN WITHOUT YOU
johnnywonkadepp: I'M NOT LIVIN WITHOUT YOU
johnnywonkadepp: YOU SEE THERE'S JUST NO WAY
GratiasAgimus: YOU'RE THE BEST MAN
johnnywonkadepp: THERE'S NO WAAAAAAAAAAAAY
GratiasAgimus: I'VE EEEVER KNOOWWWWN
GratiasAgimus: THERE'S NO WAY I CAN EVER EVER GOOO
GratiasAgimus: Haha yes!
johnnywonkadepp: AND YOU
johnnywonkadepp: AND YOU
johnnywonkadepp: AND YOU
johnnywonkadepp: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE ME
johnnywonkadepp: YES GET IT J HUD
GratiasAgimus: YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH OOHHH OHH OHHH
johnnywonkadepp: I LOVE THAT HIGH NOTE SHE HITS
johnnywonkadepp: YESSSSSS
johnnywonkadepp: OMG Alicia...can you imagine how amazing it would be
johnnywonkadepp: If she sang this at the Oscars?
johnnywonkadepp: I want them to do that whole scene though
johnnywonkadepp: Leading up to it
GratiasAgimus: OH MY GAAH
GratiasAgimus: MOMMY
GratiasAgimus: Wait
GratiasAgimus: So what was the surprise that was supposed to happen at the Globes?
johnnywonkadepp: Ugh
johnnywonkadepp: It was Arnold
GratiasAgimus: Lmao!
GratiasAgimus: Oh.

p.s. it's not supposed to make sense. plus, I'm falling in love, for the first time, with Want Two. instead of Poses or Want One. "Agnus Dei", while before it made me anxious, it now makes me tingle (not in a bad way).

Continuing the Christmas Spirit!

this guy is one of my favorites, incase you couldn't tell by my profile. I just found this video for his "Put the Lights on the Tree" from his new Christmas Album, and it's amazing. the album and the video, that is. sometimes life needs to be simple and animated. I think that's the lesson learned here.

AIM Adventures (Part 1).

johnnywonkadepp: Brangelina moving to New Orleans
johnnywonkadepp: Hmm
GratiasAgimus: Yeah I saw that on CNN
GratiasAgimus: Well they say they love it there
johnnywonkadepp: There's gonna be a lot of happy people in Louisiana
GratiasAgimus: Haha
johnnywonkadepp: Imagine if you heard Rufus was moving to High Point
GratiasAgimus: OMG
GratiasAgimus: -DIES-
johnnywonkadepp: HAHA
GratiasAgimus: oh man
GratiasAgimus: I haven't listened to him in a while
johnnywonkadepp: Oh, I didn't know he was Canadian
GratiasAgimus: Rufus?
GratiasAgimus: yeah he's from montreal
GratiasAgimus: I think
GratiasAgimus: or wait
GratiasAgimus: Toronto?
GratiasAgimus: it's sad that I don't know this
johnnywonkadepp: Lol
johnnywonkadepp: It's sad that you're this upset you DON'T know
GratiasAgimus: hahahahha
GratiasAgimus: true

My friend just reminded me...

of the things in life that absolutely yank my chain, curdle my blood and make me twinge:

1. people screaming on their cell phones as if the other line was completely deaf
2. when one acquires that baby voice, usually while talking to parents or loved ones
3. when people deny both of these things

but i absolutely adore and love:

1. praying outloud
2. picking up my feet when I walk
3. goldfish crackers and silk soy milk after a long day of Bio 299, aka "Research and Writing in Biology"

and that's about it for today.

Tuesday's alright for fighting?

It's tuesday and this week has already left me nearly drunk with things like anticipation and confusion and gurgly feelings. I'm so ready to just start my day yet it's mid-day, I've barely woken up and taken a shower and I'm just sitting here blaring snow patrol and making my way through a mug of coffee at a snail's pace and chatting with Jenny online about my roomate problems.


aahh, such is life.


so APO is having a "mocktail" party soon and I need a dress and I need someone do go with. so here is my official personal add! I only need you for a few hours, it's at the end of February and it's casual dress. mmkay, thanks.

p.s. my title is definitely an allusion to Elton John and nothing else.