Life's full of compromises...

Man is it ever! Mostly I'm talking about my crazy Bio major and the redonkulous amount of Chemistry credits I have to take just to keep it. And it's really bringing me down. There's a big difference between learning something and struggling to understand something. I do a lot of the latter when it comes to Chemistry. And this is only general... what will happen once I make it to Organic, one of the hardest classes available at High Point? When I'm not worrying about Chemistry I'm completely fine. Especially when I'm not worrying about Chemistry and God and His amazingness is on my mind. Everything is wonderful and all I can think about is what he's planned for me and being a good steward for Him and everything else spiritually in my life... but dear Lord, once Chem comes along, rolling to my plate like a moldy cheese wheel that no one wants.

Here are a few things I want to accomplish this year:
1) Find a good, Christian boy. And not just to date but to befriend and learn from.
2) Find my Christian mentor. I'm about to get my discipler soon so maybe that won't be too far ahead.
3) Go to more concerts.
4) Maybe take a Chem course over the summer.

PS. Congrats on the oscar, J Hud!!

Needing some God time

Lots of the title this week PLUS there's a crazy virus going around the country and now my very own hall... where did my contendedness go? This week has been so rediculous and no, it wasn't all my class's fault. Probably more than half of it was me. I've been napping when I shouldn't have, focusing so much on me and my problems and just not enought on God and just letting him take the reigns for a bit. I need to just relax. I need to just learn what pork barrel politics is and find a good argument against it for my US Gov. debate tomorrow. I need, I need, I need. I need to get my sliced-open finger checked out. It looks 10 times better than it did last Friday, but I digress. It still hurts like a mother and I swear I hit it about 20 times a day. My happiness fluctuates during the day. Sometimes, mostly when I'm around my amazing friends or even walking across campus on a sunny day like today by myself, I'm so crazy happy I just don't know how to respond to all the blessings God's given me. And then other times... most of the time - I'm depressed and I just don't know how to go about life. What do I do about my summer? Am I going to Kenya to study rainforest patterns or not? Are Kenz and I ever going to go back to our wonderful relationship? Why am I not motivated to get all this work done? I should be grateful for this amazing education opportunity and I just don't feel like I'm utilizizng what I should to make things the best they can be. I want to organize the room and I need things to be uncluttered. I need to end this blog.

Currently watching: a repetitive Conan O'Brien (will he ever get new material?) on Late Night

So happy and filled with happy things to say

I absolutely love pulling all-nighters. It's weird... most people dread them, or can make it through the night peacefully but secretly they completely regret putting things off. Now I'm not saying I need to keep procrastinating or that it's an awesome thing but I've always done my best work at night and when I'm pressed for time... I love to just stretch things out, even if it means I don't get much sleep. And I don't think I'm making much sense but... it's a completely contented feeling. The campus is silent and deserted, it's a balmy 48 degrees outside (thank you, desktop weather!) and I'm thinking about hitting the library for a couple hours then checking out the sunrise, then if I'm finished with Research and Writing by then I'll just nap till class at 12:30.

Something else that is really really happy is this amazing movie I just finished. Love, Actually - so feel-good, so lovely and so warm. It's the first time I've watched it. There've been so many times I meant to watch it but it never happened, and tonight was a great night to watch it. When I'm really comfortable with my earthly relationships and so content with so many things in my life. Seeing what's in store for me when God decides it's the right time. Watching this movie has gotten me more excited about the relationships God has ready for me than I've been in a long time. Since I first read "The Great Love". Aaaamazing.

So I'm a CRU leader. And while initially I felt like I wouldn't be welcome (weird how those feelings come about) and still things aren't clicking completely with the entire leadership team, right now so many of those feelings have been washed away after prayer this morning and our first meeting as a team tonight. The importance of prayer on our campus is really beginning to sink in like it hasn't for the past semester. I really hope a lot of good comes out of my relationships with these guys and to CRU and to the rest of the campus.

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson's You Found Me

Annoyances.

I'm in the middle of my massive mound of homework and I'm reminded of a lot of annoyances that I have and that I'm experiencing right now...

Like my next door neighbors, who have all of a sudden stopped talking to me. Everytime I go in there to say, "Good morning!" or "Hey, just wanted to stop by to say hi..." they're completely nonchalant, barely making eye contact and barely murmuring a few words here and there. With as few syllables as possible. I've noticed they've been a lot colder since I told them that Kenz and I made up after our fight last week, and I honestly hope that's not the case... because if it is, that's rediculous and pretty disheartening. So basically I'm gonna stop putting myself in that situation and I'll limit our relationship to outside the dorm.

Speaking of dorms we rearranged ours yesterday! Bunkbeds = too much room to know what to do with. Maybe a new colorful rug is in order. Or maybe a doormat. I've always wanted one of those. Hmm...

Listening to: John Coltrane's Love

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I'm also annoyed that I can't be a drama queen in my own room. I want to scream and shout during Desperate Housewives but instead, I feel stupid when I do and only because of my roomate. "I live with a drama queen!" comes out of her mouth every time I, well, act like myself and freak out when Orson's mother pulls the knife out of the kitchen drawer. Is that a big deal? No. Why is it a big deal to her? Grr.

Look at me, yeah yeah yeah yeah...

The opening lines to this song are so poignant and clear, it's hard not to feel for the singer when you're frustrated yourself. Which for me, happens frequently when I'm not focused enough on God and too much focused on myself. "Misty" was originally done by Lady Day herself, and her version is by far the best, even though the version I have on my computer is by Sarah Vaughan and I've only heard the former once. But anyway, it's defnitely the best. Versions aside, it's the perfect cafe/nightclub croon, smoke wisping in and around the lazy crowds, blue stage lights, a casual ciggy in one hand, plum-red lipstick accentuating the sensual words. It's the perfect song for in-between relationships, when you're passed that crush stage and either sure or not about making that next step or leap towards that person - moving on to the next stage in your relationship. Or it's perfect when you're just confused about love or need a good background vibrato to contemplate life to. I've done both numerous times. Basically any Billie Holiday song is good for that. I have this amazing poster of her on my closet door right now, it's black and white - or almost sepia toned, I can't tell - and it's just her and her band and a few faithful followers sitting at their white-linened tables, and she's belting out some tune, her hair is swept from her face in a tight wrap as if she's going out on the town or something serious, her eyes are clenched in frustration or some other emotion and her arms are up and her fists are clenched. Basically everything about her stance exudes emotion and power and it's hard not to feel some sort of force emanating from that image every time I pass it. The thing that I love most about this poster is not just that it expresses everything Billie was as a perforer but that she was able to do it all in one spot, completely immoble, a clear foot behind the microphone. Where most performers today are all mic, you know, sometimes the mic overtakes the song, the singer practically eating it on stage to better exude personality or frustrations or whatever - Billie Holiday has no guitar or showy hair or clothes to hide behind and she definitely doesn't hide behind the mic. All of her attitude comes from her, her voice, her expressions, using what little space she did have on a typical stage to convey as much emotion as possible, and she's able to convey more emotion in one chorus than thousands of artists can do in their lifetime. Everything is a backdrop to her. She is just that amazing. Haha, basically I've been obsessed with her all throughout college and it'll probably last for the rest of my life. I hope, anyway.

I love finding new music, just surfing YouTube, asking around among my friends and cruising the Myspace selection from time to time. One of my new favorite artists is Rosie Thomas, she has this deep, sensual voice which is a complete cover for her typically mousy and high speaking voice. She's definitely with Rufus in that their singing voices are so much better than their normal voices. Funny how that works. I definitely wouldn't mind cracking out her latest album while cleaning up the dorm this weekend (even though I have absolutely no clue when I'm going to have time).

I really need to schedule out this weekend, it's just that crazy. First off, I have a huge Research and Writing project due Tuesday, all about plagiarism and practicing avoiding it amoing scientific journals. Then I have standard Chemistry due Monday except I wasn't in class Monday thanks to me forgetting to turn my alarm off the night before, Wednesday we had a test and today we simply went over it. So basically I need to read and gain mastery of the chapter to complete about 20 homework problems. Crazy! Then we just got our US Government tests from last week back and the class average was about an 80, though it's mostly because there just wasn't enough time, nobody finished. Anyway he's allowing us to rewrite whatever we didn't finish and he'll grade it again. Sweet, but still I'm already swamped with Alpha Phi Omega this weekend and finding time will be hard. And then there's Populations, our test was going to be Monday but (thank the Lord!) he moved it to Wednesday to better cover some material we couldn't get to today in class. But still I'll have to study for it and there are plenty of things I don't understand. Pheeeeeeew that's an incredibly amount but I'll get it done. Crazy week, crazy week.

ps. I'm a CRU leader! A staff member came down to High Point to tell me my requirements and I told her I accepted - and she told me I was in! I'm so psyched, so psyched. I really thought it wouldn't happen until Fall of next year and it's all kind of sudden, but that's all good. I have my first meeting next Sunday. :o)

Things like this just make me happy.

Valentine's Day was just made awesome! My good friend Melodie just got engaged! Talk about your awesome days.

Sufjan Stevens.

I couldn't live without this man.

I love the part at the end of "Come on! Feel the Illinoise!", where the song completely changes, with chirpy violins and sultry tones.

One day this week I'm gonna go through a ton of my albums and pick my favorite song from each of them and I already have 8 or 9 ready... sweet action, I can't wait!

So I've given up on my roomate and I's friendship and it seems she has too. Apparently she was looking for me yesterday while I was at Catholic Mass with Jenny, but she still hasn't talked to me despite the fact I've seen her at least half a dozen times since then. Times alone in the room are still weird but a lot less awkward since I stopped placing all the blame on me. So hooray! I can't believe, and most of my friends either, that I'm dealing with everything so well, but honestly I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I'm complaining a lot less too... this relation"shiz" is honestly not dragging me down like it has and I'm simply less worried about whether or not I'm making her happy. But anyway I feel like I've talked about this subject to much, so that's the end of that!

Can I just say that my friends are flipping amazing? Like Sufjan, I just don't know what I'd do if I didn't have them. I know I'm supposed to be able to depend entirely and completely on God, and of course I'm working on it but amazing friends like Brittany and Jenny just make my life so flipping awesome and my problems are just 10 times easier to deal with when I'm around them. Amen!

I love my life. :o)

A weekend of great women, roomates and Jennifer Hudson

Talk about a remedy for crappy weeks! I think Dreamgirls is going to be one of the greatest experiences of my movie-going life simply because how much the music has supported me in my worst times. Like right now... I'm having severe roomate problems, I actually cried about it this morning in the community bathroom a few times... but talking to Jenny through lunch and a Starbucks run for an hour and a half and breaking out the Jennifer Hudson in the dorm has completley turned around my crappy week. Amaaazing.

So yesterday, long story short Mckenzie and I had a little fight about me being a hypocrite (supposedly), or rather, she tore me a new one and I stood there not standing up for myself like always, and we haven't talked since. It's basically been the lowest point of this week, I've cried already and basically deduced that I'm going to stop trying to turn around our crashing friendship and give up. I've prayed about it, talked to my friends about it, complained about it... and I'm just done. I can't put any more effort into being best friends with her again or simply making her a happy roomate, I'm just not perfect and I simply can't read her mind like I guess she thinks I should. And while I was bitter this morning, I'm not anymore after talking to my friends about it and having the tiniest bit of closure. Oh, drama!

Last night was Triad Women's Night, and needless to say it was amazing, supportive and I had enough fondue to last me another year. Those girls are awesome and if I had any qualms about being a CRU leader next year or getting along with any of them, they're completely gone now. I had a great time talking to Ashley about Sufjan (we're both a little crazy about him), school and the sweetness of God driving to Kernersville for the whole event, getting lost more than once and wondering why we still didn't know our way around High Point after being here for so long. Here's what we talked about:

- the power of a woman's beauty
- "Women are beautiful to guys because God made them that way. Their beauty and our desire are God-given. The nakedness of a woman has a powerful impact on us."
- As women with this 'power', this allure, we need to wield that gift with honor and integrity

Sweeeeet. I'm loving life right now.

I'm so tired, but I can't fall asleep!

Honestly, not because I physically can't, but because I have too much studying to do before Friday comes. Oh wait! It's here. BLAST

Currently I'm finishing up Chemistry homework and answering a few short answer questions to prepare for my first US Government test today at 10, suprisingly destressing as I go (there's just something about a dark, completely silent room that takes the edge of a crappy week off), taking breaks now and then to un-mute the second run of The Tonight Show (Sally Fields is on)or to gaze at Mckenzie's new fish, Hampton, on her desk.

How many pots of coffee can a single person go through in one sitting before she explodes? In particular, this certain stressed student trying to make it through her all-nighter without collapsing on her bicameralism notes! Oh fa sho. Actually I've only had two cups since this night started and I've only gone to the bathroom 5 times (it's the caffeine pulling water out of your cells), a really low number for all those serious coffee drinkers out there.

Most of my friends and I came to a consensus today and decided that this week has been the crappiest, by far, of the semester. Maybe it is for me because I have my first ever test today and I just don't feel prepared for it. Maybe it's that plus the stress of APO Rush Week, having to learn everyone's names, talking to the pledges about the fraternity but having to remember to bite your tongue all the time (since pledges aren't supposed to know secret greek things) and all the while keeping up a smile and an out-stretched hand.

Last thought: TCM is a godsend!

Does anyone have a stress remedy?

Because holy mother, I need about a gajillion right now. I can't remember being this stressed! Usually I have a grasp of the material (at least a finger or two on it), and I honestly usually never go into a test having no idea what I'm going to write or think about. But this American Government class (it's honors, by the way) is kicking me in the butt all the way to next week and I don't understand why it is. I've taken plenty of notes, every class is interesting and I'm pretty motivated for all of them and yet, when I took some time to look over the test guide, I completely spazzed out, searching my notes frantically for information that just wasn't there. He's interesting enough but really general and ambiguous with his lectures that never come with notes but rather the occasional, sporadic term scrawled on the board. How do I make great essays out of that? While we're on the topic I'm really disgruntled by the fact that multiple teachers here expect you to learn entirely by reading the text - if I could learn all the material by buying a few books, I wouldn't need these teachers and thus this university would have no right charging me for anything besides room and board. You are here to teach me the material, not the book. But anyway...

Basically, I'm really stressed right now and not sure how to deal with it. For me, I've always been bad with dealing with stress; it usually goes hand in hand with me feeling unmotivated and simply sitting on my stress and contemplating how horrible it is. Which definitely includes this blog. I know the thing to do is just make a list of my things to do and get them done... but honestly, when you're a college student and you have tons on your plate already without the classes and homework and tests, it's easier said than done. Right now, I just want to finish my coffee, my laundry and The Daily Show, finish tidying up my half of the room and end my day (also redonkulously long) and just crawl into bed. Sometimes, I can just breathe in and out a few times, think about the magnificence of God and I'm reminded of my blessings and all of my stress flows away, off into the wilderness of High Point University to dissipate into the air or enter the minds of some other troubled students. Mmm, I really dislike this feeling.

It's Rush week for Alpha Phi Omega and what I thought would be an awesome week of fellowship has just turned into stress squared.

All this finding Agape before Ethos is not working out even though I really, really want it to. I still find myself crushing on guys here, trying unsuccessfuly to bring something around with these relationships and I simply keep crashing and burning. Thinking back on my failed relationships now, I can obviously see that it's a sign... but still. I guess having strength to follow through with the necessary but not always pleasant things in life is what being a Christian is all about. Or at least it's a little of what God calls us to do.

Currently watching: David Letterman

No AIM is hurting...a lot.

Weeeell, the title really gives it away, but formally, I have officially given up Instant Messenger since Thursday morning. It was a new year's resolution of mine and I knew that this day was coming... but it still doesn't take away from the void that AIM has left in my daily life. Horribly sad but true, though this is the very reason I wanted (and needed) to take a break from it for a while. It's become such a gigantic crutch for me, I'm always divulging more online than I should (for instance, this past week I completely let all inhibitions about AIM go and told an aquaitence (sp?) of mine about my various health problems. Mind you, this was a boy, not a girl. Completely different.) and it simply promotes laziness when I could be stretching my legs and walking across the hall to tell my friend that the cafe was good today... most of my friends don't get why I'm doing this or don't care, which is more or less frustrating. But when is it not - I mean, how many times has somebody been passionate about something when no one else was? Or they just didn't understand? I think the fact that I'm a little old-fashioned when it comes to socializing and dating plays a huge factor in why I hate AIM so much. Most kids use it as a barrier for communication, for sometimes serious conversation and idle chat... I however, used to only use it to keep appointments, finalize things and say hello once and a while, and that was it. Note the word used. I didn't start hating it until I was asked out on a date, for the first time since I'd been at High Point - on AIM. On AIM! I couldn't believe it... if this guy really liked me, why wouldn't he ask me to my face? And how could hiding behind a computer make the situation any better? Hoooow? It was annoying and disheartening, to say the least. It had become an excuse to avoid personal confrontations - the face to face kind - and more than ever, students like me were making it an excuse more consistently each day, holding up our computers in front of our faces as if voiced conversation had become shameful or embarassing. I say I've hated it since then, yet I grew to use it daily over the following months, mostly to avoid the mildest form of public humiliation (not using AIM incessantly) and to keep everyone aware of my goings-on via my away messages. In fact, the only person I talked to every day was Chris, and this is the only thing that's kept me from giving AIM up already. It's the biggest reason these past couple days have stunk without it. Anyway... now that it's gone, the time I would have usually spent talking on AIM is left completely empty, so what do I do now? Homework? More traveling around the complex to talk to the people I care about? Probably, but not soon. I'm still adjusting. Spending more time on Facebook than I normally do. But enjoying the time I have with my friends a lot more. Starting to focus on the things I've missed out on while wasting my life away on AIM. Mostly thinking too much, like of where my life is headed, trying to get my prayer life going, thinking of what Mckenzie and I are going to do about our best friend/married couple status. It sounds like a deep transformation, and it is. I never would have expected it, but it's definitely here. Talk about a crutch!

Listening to: Iron and Wine